Depression (4th stage)

There are many ways of depression or many descriptions of depression. I have had depression, that some teenagers get. But nothing would ever prepare me for this kind of depression when someone you love decides to leave this world on her own time and decides to not be around you anymore and not be a mom anymore.

The feeling you have when they leave and you have no idea why or what they were thinking why they would up and decide to do what they did. The feeling of loneliness. I felt so empty. Didn't know what to do with my life. I was only 17 years old, I had my life a head of me. Was starting my junior year, have junior prom up ahead that she wouldn't be there for, had graduation that she wouldn't be seeing. All the milestones that are going to be happening in my life she will be missing. I had depression since I was about 13 years old so it was nothing new to me to having those feelings. The feelings of loneliness, emptiness, the feeling of not belonging anywhere of not having anyone in your corner.

My whole world came crashing down. My brother went to go live with our father. I stayed in Michigan to finish school. Everywhere I went I thought of her, I had memories of everywhere she went or we went with her. Just memories popping up everywhere. I drank alot when I was by myself, it numbed the pain. I didn't know why everyone was leaving me or didn't want anything to do with me. I was told by someone close to me that they were told by family members that he shouldn't have let me come back. That killed me inside due to the fact before my mom passed away I was their family to. To just shut me out like that and not be there for me during such a hard time hurt so bad. I know I wasn't that great of a kid after she passed, I was trying to figure it all out but for people not to be patient with me or even work with me on it, hurt my heart. Felt like everybody was moving on and just threw me away for me to figure life out all by myself. I figured out who my true friends were. The ones who I thought were true to me weren't really true to me. I didn't know how to feel about everyone just up and leaving. Depression stinks. It leaves you with the impression that you are not good enough for anyone or anything ever. Makes you feel so alone when you have the world with you. Its been 18 years this year since she has been gone and my depression has gotten a lot better. I really get depressed about it for my kids, they will never get to meet their grandma and get to know her. Maybe she will be a better grandma then she was a mama. Who knows. She robbed my kids of that chance. Never going to see me walk down the aisle to the love of my life, never saw that I did finally go back to graduate. She did leave me with this overwhelming feeling all the time that everybody leaves that nobody will stay in my life for long, to me I think that is the worst feeling ever. But in time things do get better. Takes one day at a time. Hour by hour min by min. It won't get better over night but it will get better. You will get better.