Anger (3rd Stage)

There are a lot of things that someone can be angry about. Usually you get over it so quick and look back and wonder why you got so mad at something so little. I wish that was the case with me. My anger actually lasted for years.

I was so angry with the world. I was angry with myself, with everyone around me, most of all I was angry with my mom.

How could she do what she did? How could she leave a family the way she did? How could someone ever get that lonely to do something so tragic in life? All those questions in my head, lasted for a while. My anger for her got worse once I read her police report. The things I read felt like secrets were kept in our family, like a family secret web of lies. Made me wonder how many more lies were being kept from us.

I was so angry that she would just up and leave and make me have to deal with all the rumors that I had to deal with. Oh my favorite was "She wasn't really my mom, she was a spy. like seriously where do people come up with these rumors. But that is what you get for growing up in a small town where everyone knows everyone and everyone likes to talk when something like this happens. Reading that supposedly that she thought that my brother and I hated her that's why she had to leave this world. Wow really yah that's a good idea. I'm okay with her best friend now but man oh man I was so angry with her, after reading the police report not with the only part that she knew but the other part that my mom thought was going on. I was so hurt and so angry that she knew and didn't get her help like a friend should, Someone close to me threatened it in front of me not even a year ago and I made sure she got the help she needed cuz I didn't want her going anywhere in my life or her children go thru what I went thru. That is what people do. I just don't understand why she didn't help her get the help she needed. I wanted to try to ask but even bringing up my mom it gets ignored. I had so much anger for the world. I hated everybody. I was so angry that she was going to miss my graduation, my wedding, my kids growing up. Miss everything that my friends are going to have that I am jealous of not having.

A few years have gone by my anger was slowly going away because I was slowly realizing that her death wasn't my brothers or my fault. She died because she wanted to. She didn't love us enough to stay with us. I also realized that when people tell me I can't feel this way towards her, yes I can. I lived thru it, you didn't , I lived thru the stuff she put us thru, you didn't. I lived thru a different way then my brother did, I had time to realize everything and think about everything. Now do I love my mom yes. I am always going to love her shes my mom. Do i miss her yes I do. But for what she put us thru I can't keep crying over her.. I will let my kids know who their grandma was. But my anger made me so bitter towards her that may never go away. That doesn't make me angry anymore that just makes me sad.