My Story Part 1

I have heard so many stories about suicide, but not really the long term affects it causes the families and friends of people that leave behind due to the affects of suicide. So I have decided to tell my story. It will take a couple parts. Some parts aren't going to be good and some parts may be good. Some of the things in my story some people may not know but will find out now.

I was a 17 year old girl going into her junior year of high school, I have a prom to plan on going to, colleges to start looking at, and just hanging out with my friends and doing what a typical 17 year old would do. But instead a couple months after school started we were planning a funeral, and all the confusion started coming and all the questions are why, what, how?

On November 9,2000 my world changed for the rest of my life. It was a typical day except I stayed home from school. Something in the pit of my stomach told me to stay home. I called to let my mom know I was awake and see what chores she wanted me to do for the day. She wasn't there. Well two hours pass and I get calls asking for her or asking for my step dad so I just thought maybe I would call her again to see whats going on and to let her know everyone is looking for her. Then boom I get the news that I thought I would never hear in my life. "Im sorry she doesn't work here anymore, she took her own life."(They learned this from the police scanner that the owner of the company kept with them.) See they didn't realize on the other end of the line was her daughter calling to check in with her. I didn't believe it at first I called him a liar, told him she wouldn't do something like that, that she would never leave just abruptly like that. Once they asked who I was and finally figured it out here came the first of many of those dreaded words "I'm so sorry for your loss." After that phone call I hung up got my brother up telling him something is wrong with mom still not believing it then we get another one from our uncle on our step dads side saying get out of the house the police need to search the house. They wouldn't tell me why. But they didn't know I knew what was going on already. Later I found out the police needed to search for a letter if my mom left one or a will or something. She left nothing. Not one word.

I still didn't believe any of this, it was like a nightmare. My whole life was being flipped upside down. Then a truck pulls up with my step dad in it with tears rolling down in his face and then that's when I knew it was true. See I have only seen that man cry two times in my life. This is the second. I just fell to the ground crying not knowing what to do. I couldn't just go to my room and lock myself in there because we needed to be out. When we got to where we needed to be all the phone calls were being made to the schools, to her family, to her friends. The only call I was more worried about doing to was to my dad hoping he could come to us on such short notice. Hoping he could get on a plane and get to us.I didn't know what to do or what to think. I was numb from the inside out. I drowned out the world on what was going on around me trying to figure everything in my mind on what was happening and what was going on, trying to figure out the questions and hoping I will get an answer as to why she would do something like this and especially why in the world would she leave two kids? To this day I still don't have these answers.

Everyone from out of state has been starting to show up within two days of her death. People were everywhere talking and whispering thinking I didn't hear or didn't know anything what was going on. I felt like I couldn't breathe that I couldn't even really mourn the death of her with everyone around. I felt like I was being suffocated. The shining light to being away from all the turmoil, away from the hell and all the whispers was with my dad. He never whispered about her around me or tried to hide anything around me. He just let me be me and if I needed to cry he would let me cry. I just didn't know how to let the tears flow.

We had her funeral on November 12, it was packed. I remember that they didn't do her hair right, how she always wore it. But then I remembered why they did it the way they did it. I remember my aunt took me aside and told me don't cry at my own moms funeral because I needed to be the strong one. I remembered my step mom at the time made people angry talking some stuff about her. My friends came, my brothers friends came. I sat in the pew and just cried into a stuff animal as the funeral started going along. I have only been to one funeral before this one and that was of my great grandma. I just didn't know what to expect out of these.

After we buried her on the 13th that's when I knew for sure that everything was real and my life is forever changed. Now it all started. Where am I going to go? Am I going to be a burden to people? How is her suicide going to affect me for the rest of my life? How is it going to affect my family? As I gotten older I have realized so much about my mom and my life back then and my life now. And as I keep writing my blog about my mom or the affects of her death. People may not like what the see or hear, and I will apologize for that now but it has taken me 17 years to realize a lot of things and now I am ready to share my story. I will be writing Part 2 here shortly. Sorry part 1 is so long.